Lessons Learned from 4 Years as an Expat

Well, that was a strange year. I’m a month late three months late on my yearly recap of expat life, my annual celebration of crafting the life abroad that I wanted. I love doing this reflection, skimming over the notes I’ve kept all year, looking through pictures to pick up pieces that have fallen through my memory, taking stock of my experiences and measuring my growth. My first year abroad I learned a lot about a lot of different things — last year I learned just one big lesson.

These 365 days, based mostly in Russia with a season cliffhanger landing me back in Kyiv, have a theme it seems. The personal growth I had in my third year abroad laid the foundation for this past year, when I finally had the confidence and drive to crack down on what I want in my life and career. But it wasn’t all about work. I also had some of my most epic adventures to date — the mountains of Dagestan, three weeks on the Trans-Siberian, a solo trip to Cyprus — and each of them taught me something too. And they say that while it’s good that you learn from your own experience, it’s even better to learn from someone else’s experience. So on New Year’s Eve, from a random hotel room in Texas, I’m finally sharing what I picked up during my fourth year as an expat.

Always go to the highest point, even if that wasn’t your plan. My main purpose in going to Gunib was to unplug and see the eerie abandoned village of Gamsutl. However, when my guesthouse host suggested I hire a 4×4 to take me to the highest point in the village, I decided to go for it. I hadn’t researched it, and to be honest in many ways I felt like I was already high up enough in the mountains. But it ended up being a highlight of my trip. Even though the 4×4 couldn’t take us up all the to the summit, bouncing along the side of the mountain, then hiking up past free-roaming horses to the dizzying cliff where my host’s son squatted precariously to enjoy his tea was unforgettable.

Don’t step on manhole covers in Moscow. They are not always very secure, and that would be a very long fall down.

Don’t listen to everyone. After I booked my flights to Dagestan and started telling people I was going, was very hard to get anyone to say anything nice about the area. Still was one of the coolest trips I’ve been on.

But listen to some people. However, when I realized I wasn’t going to be waltzing around Dagestan the way I have in other regions, I reached out to a few women I knew had either been to Dagestan or were from there originally. Their advice and feedback gave me the confidence to tackle this region after everyone around me was raining negativity.

Not every long-distance train in Russia has a dining car. When Janet and I hopped on to the final train of our Trans-Siberian adventure, we were light on groceries – some Oreos, Snickers, and a few bottles of water. Sure, we were going to be on the train for 70 hours, but we had been snacking through most of our train trips and we were excited to spend some time in the dining car.

So I was surprised when Janet came back into our compartment, five minutes after she had left to go do some video editing in the dining car. Turns out, not ever cross-country train in Russia has one.

It didn’t end up being too bad. The provodnitsy was well stocked with instant noodles and flaky mashed potatoes and we would jump out of the train whenever it stopped for more than ten minutes. I battled the rest of the passengers in a single express shop just to come back with a disappointing bag of stale mini croissants. We did a sprint through a grocery store in the middle of Siberia, triumphantly bringing back oranges to share with our compartment buddies. I ate homemade vareniki out of a plastic bag on the station platform. It ended up feeling the most Trans-Siberian part of the whole Trans-Siberian.

Date a guy who wants to take pictures of you. Over the last few years, I’ve dated some… interesting people. More than one of them have been extreme compartmentalizers, sectioning me off from other parts of their lives — and unsurprisingly, it doesn’t feel good when someone tries to keep you a secret. When I was living in Moscow I was lucky enough to date a really amazing guy who brought me flowers, took me to interesting places — and took photos of me. It seems like a small, silly thing, but I realized that it made me feel important to him because our phones are such an integral part of our lives. But it’s nice when someone wants to have the memories not just of a place you went to or the food you ate, but also of you there with them.

You trust people more than you realize. I don’t like trusting people, especially people I’ve never met before. I know that many travelers say that their experiences have shown them that people are mostly good, all around the world, and it’s true that I’ve received a lot of grace on the road. But I’ve almost prided myself on my skepticism, maybe because I felt like it provided me with a kind of safety net.

But at some point this year, I realized that I trust people a lot, even if I don’t realize it. I trust the bartender giving us tips on where to go next, I trust the local giving me directions, I trust the stranger shepherding me to a shared taxi to my guesthouse in Dagestan. And yes, these are small things, but it properly shamed me out of my skepticism a bit. I picked up the idea a few years ago that I need to protect myself, and the realization that I can’t not trust people actually provided some relief. After all, I’ve survived so far, more or less. Skepticism takes work, and I’m happy to let some of that go.

There comes a time when you need to make money. Listen, I like gallivanting around the world as much as the next person. But I’m also getting to a point in my life where I need to start amassing ‘wealth’ in addition to experiences. I know this seems like a ‘no duh’ for some people — but among expats and travelers you’ll find a tendency for people to pride themselves on their alternative lifestyles, not caught up in the rat race. But there’s also no embarrassment in deciding you want to focus on making money — especially when you realize that people need to start paying you what you’re worth.

Find your upper hand at work. I am always grateful to have a job, and I don’t take it for granted that it’s work for employers to hire me as an expat. I appreciate all the opportunities I’ve had to work abroad. However, this delicate relationship between employer and employee is a bit of a balancing act, especially when you work abroad. You rely on your employer for a lot of things – and they rely on you. It’s important to know your value to your employer and not diminish it. You have leverage, even when you feel like you are tied to your employer because of a work visa or accommodation. You need to be aware of and confident with your options, if only to protect yourself in case you are ever put in a difficult situation.

If a place is worth staying one night, it’s probably worth staying two. When I went to Cyprus in April, the main goal was to spend time by the sea — sure, it was chilly, but I was coming from a Russian winter and I was desperate for salt air. I decided to add one night in Nicosia, the capital, on my way from Ayia Napa to Paphos. I wasn’t expecting much, but I fell in love with Nicosia’s vibe. It reminded me of all my favorite Mediterranean cities, places like Athens and Tel Aviv. And while it was compact, it packed a powerful punch with its buzzing nightlife and picturesque back alleys and offbeat museums. I found myself wishing I had more time there.

You have to do to learn. At the tail end of this ‘year,’ I gave my first presentation at a TEFL conference. It was about a topic that came out of my Delta research, something that I’m really interested in. It fell flat. While the topic is starting to get some heat in the TEFL world, Ukrainian teachers were not so interested. My presentation was too heavy on the theory side of things. And the room set up made it difficult for teachers to discuss with each other. It was a disappointing experience for me.

But by doing it, I learned a lot about presenting. I learned what I need to do differently next time to make myself better, things I couldn’t have picked up just through preparation. Sometimes you have to just jump in and realize it’s not going to be great the first time — but it’s not going to be great until you do it a first time. And while I wasn’t particularly happy with my presentation, it’s spun out into some great things for me this year. 

Give yourself a day to rest back home. Listen, I’m not as young as I used to be. Planning in an extra rest day back home after a trip has made it so much easier to transition back to ‘real life,’ which makes me a happier person post-vacation.

Learn how to talk with your managers. Nobody’s a mind reader, not your spouse, your mom, or your manager. If you want someone to treat you differently, or if you need something from your boss, you need to be able to finagle that.

Plan an extra hour travel time when road tripping in Poland. Every road is under construction, especially the ones that haven’t been built yet.

Push yourself when you’re ready. In my first year abroad, I started studying for a three-part teaching qualification that was the ‘next step’ in my career. But I wasn’t really into it; my motivation and attention flagged and soon this plan petered out into nothing. Since then, I’ve talked about doing this qualification, the Delta, again and again, but without any real desire. But finally, in 2017 I decided it was time to pursue it for real. I was getting antsy in my career and I knew that once I had the Delta it would open a lot of doors for me.

So throughout 2018 and 2019 I followed the same steps three times — I put down the money, panicked for a while, then bit the bullet and leaned into the work. In the summer of 2018 I spent two months in Wroclaw, Poland, working on my practical teaching practice. In December of that year, after cramming for two straight weeks, I sat for a three hour examination with a dozen Russian English teachers. And in June of this year I submitted a 90-page document for review, snagging the third and final piece of the Delta puzzle. It was a lot of work (and money) and I would never recommend a teacher take this on unless they really wanted it. Because I tried, four years ago, and got nowhere. But when I was finally ready, I didn’t let my anxiety or limited resources stop me. So listen to yourself, and when you finally feel that restlessness — that’s when you go for it. 

You can get it if you really want it. Following up on that — the things that you want are not as unachievable as you might think. Tackling the Delta even though I didn’t really have the support that I was hoping for and yet still achieving it has bolstered my confidence so much. Securing a job in Moscow because I wanted to move there felt like a power move. Organizing a Trans-Siberian trip for me and another person and successfully getting us from Moscow all the way to Vladivostok felt more like a miracle. Next time I’m ready to stretch for a goal, I’ll be more eager.

You’ll have more fun when you go out drinking with a friend. I’m a big fan of solo drinking, even as a woman. However, on the Trans-Siberian I always had a better time out with Janet than I did by myself. We took silly videos, had great chats with bartenders, and got invited to secret bars. Maybe two girls are, conversely, less intimidating than one, but it was always a good time. Won’t stop me for going out on my own when necessary!

Find a bank that provides good international support. Man, have I struggled with my US banks! As banks rely more and more on using text messages to verify your identity, I have become more and more helpless. I don’t have an international phone or a US phone number, so often things that should take just a quick call require days. Shortly before my trip to Dagestan, I tried to withdraw money from my US bank account — and messed up my PIN code. I messed it up so many times, they blocked my card. And while they could unblock it for me over the phone, they couldn’t provide me with the correct PIN. They had to mail me my code. So when I went home for Christmas I added my dad as an authorized user on my account just to have someone with a US phone number around to receive text message confirmations from my bank.

Be careful what you joke about. Or you might find yourself moving back to Ukraine.